Raw emotion

The problem with revelations is the expectation of having to keep up with what has been revealed. If you remember, in my last blog I mentioned that I had NO IDEA how to do what had been revealed to me. And, I can say that although I have had some incredibly rich times of inspiration over the last weeks, I still feel helplessly isolated where I am.

I have been traveling quite a bit over the past months. It has been mostly good, but still taxing to be constantly on the go. I know that I’m not actually constantly on the go (there has been plenty of downtime), but to my easily-overwhelmed self, it feels like I’ve been traveling every other day. The other problem is that I find excuses to miss church on Sundays when I am actually at home. I don’t feel well or I’d rather sleep in… these are all things that have the capacity to “put me over the edge” and I subsequently miss church. But the whole point of church is to get plugged into a community. Not going makes me miss out on finding community, and feel more isolated yet.

So, this is where I’m at today. I feel alone and a little bit sad. I miss talking to my friends, all who have very busy schedules. Heck, I just miss having friends in general.

Dusting off the shelves

Hi! I’m Carmen. Nice to meet you. I used to blog here.

Here I am again, dusting off the shelves, cleaning out the cobwebs and restarting my sharing of thoughts. Maybe no one is following me, and for now, that’s ok. Why? Because I’m about to share some information that not many people know about yet. I’m not ready for them to know yet, but I need an outlet for my thoughts, and lately, there are a lot of them.

………

Lots of things have happened this year, especially with my family. My grandfather had a stroke, two of my dad’s siblings’ marriages fell apart, my parents bought a resort on our lake, my sister is going back to school to be a nurse… And amidst all of this, I have changed. I’ve grown as a person, learned some things about myself, had some weird experiences with dating (no more online dating for me!), and biggest of all, realized that Chicago is not my home.

I have realized that I took community for granted when I lived in Virginia. I didn’t have to worry about having friends or the lack of being able to connect with people. Since I’ve been in Chicago I have found it incredibly difficult to find community. I have a few friends, but everyone is so busy with their own things that it is difficult to connect very often. I love being close to my family, but I honestly miss having friends and being able to have good conversation over food and wine. I miss spiritual camaraderie. I have felt out of place for a while and also that something was going to change, but I didn’t know what it was until I recently spent a week in Cincinnati with my best friend and her hubs. I feel like God is calling me there. When I returned after the week, it was the first time I did not feel like I was coming home. It felt, instead, like I had left home.

Since that week in Cincinnati, I have been very excited about moving. I was wrapped up in the excitement and the peace that I felt over finally being “cleared” to leave Chicago. I felt myself moving forward without looking back, family be damned and I’ll be out of here as soon as possible. But, yesterday I went for a walk and while walking, I was praying. I heard, “I’m not done with you here yet.” Sobering because I was feeling so forward focused (even though I tried not to be) that I didn’t want to even think about continuing to be involved in relationships, church, etc. here, because I knew I would just be leaving soon.

But, what I heard was different than that. I am still called to “be” here until I leave. I must still go to church and have relationships and be involved in the community until I go to a new community. The call to move is not the call to stop existing in one location, just to try to jumpstart existence in a new location. I need to live and be where I am, no matter if I am sent to a new location tomorrow or a few months from now. I honestly don’t know how to do this, but I must not isolate.

Since about a week ago, I have felt plagued with doubt about if I had really heard a call from God to move. I was second-guessing and feeling stressed, putting too much pressure on coordinating life to make sure I could leave when it was convenient. I lost sight of the fact that GOD called me and HE will lead me at the time that HE has planned for. And, right now, all I need to do is live like God has called me to live now. To live in the knowledge of who HE says I am, not who my perceptions tell me I am. And to continue to learn about who I am in HIM and how my identity is in HIM alone, and what that actually means and how that informs how I live.

If I cannot live where I am, moving to Cincinnati will not be a step in a new direction, it will only be the same tired steps in a new location. I do feel His call on me and that does hold excitement, but I need to not be so forward focused that I loose sight of what is here and now. Waiting to move should not be waiting at all, instead it should be living just the same until it is time to move. I want to go from living to living, being to being.

This is how I feel

I have not built a wall of protection around me. I let anything and everything come into my mind through my eyes and my ears. I take it all in. And it all influences me. I don’t know if I’m ready to not let that happen anymore. Just being honest. Don’t know if I’m ready to confess repent and forgive. Confess the sin of hatred. Bitterness. Anger. Toward myself. Toward others. Repent of all of this by leaving it at the cross. Forgive myself. Others. For the wrongs that have been committed against me. By myself. By others.
I think I like being angry. Anger and bitterness satisfy in their own uniquely twisted way. In my mind I am vindicated in my anger. Bitterness. Hatred. To give it up means I am wrong. I am not wrong. Damn it.

Today

I am deeply dissatisfied with my employment. there is no excitement to complete a project or even begin something new. This used to provide at least a small amount of pleasure. This is also deeply unsettling. I bide my time each day. It is only 1:10 p.m., and I feel a very real sense of dread to spend the remainder of the day in such a fashion as I have just described. I did not go out to lunch with coworkers due to a deficiency in funds. I ate at my desk. My desk. It is quite disheveled and could use a good cleaning. But, then we are back to the dissatisfaction. The primary side effect of the dissatisfaction is lethargy. I do because I must not because I love or feel a connection to. The veritable life is being both literally and metaphorically extracted from within me. What am I to do, you ask. This haunting question follows me like a new puppy desiring love. I do not, however, want to pay it any attention. Yet on the other hand I cannot help but think of it constantly. The weight of my confliction is becoming most unbearable.